It is good to talk things out as we can try to clear the misunderstandings we have. We learned from each other. *** Once again, it is time for me to panick because exams are around the corner! I hope I can do well this time.
Friday, May 25, 2012
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Maybe I didn't appreciate her back then. But now I see her as my angel.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Why must there always be something happening at certain point of time that will link to you?
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Just when I thought maybe he will be a different story. But in the end it is the same. Just that this time I'm smart enough to observe first and not put my whole heart into it. Heng ah!
Nevertheless, he is still a nice guy. It's just that we don't have that chemistry that sparks between us.
But my dear friend seems to be having trouble letting go. Sigh. *Shake head* That's why feelings cannot be played. Once scarred, it may scarred forever. Just like what happened with you. Till now it still left a scar in me and I'm still afraid to open. So, please don't go around playing with others feelings. I hope you don't do that anymore.
I can't say that I'm don't have slightest bit of sadness. Afterall I'm still a human. But I know I can let it go if I am determine to do so. If I can let go of you (the first person who hurt me so badly), so can I let go of him. In fact, it would be easier. I suppose.
***
As usual I did weird things again.
I went around asking people around me why they find me weird. Many people say that. But luckily my weirdness is not something so bad that they cannot accept. They it is just abit unique.
Ok. So, the first person I interviewed said "you are so unpredictable."
Me: "Example?"
Friend 1: "Like when we thought that you confirm cannot made it, then you suddenly made it which surprised us. When we thought that you are very good at it, then the next moment you asked us the most basic thing related to it. You always give us surprises. "
Me: "Humm. Ok..My mum also said I always give her surprises."
Then the second friend I interviewed.
Friend 2: "You are too kind that I think others can easily bully you, yet you protect yourself so well. And you know you don't think before you speak sometimes. We can be very good friends but abit hard to work in project work."
Me: "I know because I'm 霸道 right?"
Friend 2: Not I say one ah, you say one it yourself. But yea.
Me: "Just because of all these?"
Friend 2: "No. All about you add up together make you weird. I'm mean, different from normal people."
Me: *FAINT*
Seems like I need to explore more. Why I am weird to others? Is my weirdness good or bad thing?
Seriously, what kind a person I am in all my friends' eyes?
Friday, March 23, 2012
I believe in karma. It is a fair reward and punishment for all.
In order not to create bad karma, it is essential to discover our seeds of sins. How to discover? I think the fundamental step is to face ourselves honestly, question ourselves honestly and don't give ourselves any excuse to avoid any wrong. Only discovering of seeds of sins, then we will be able to improve on it. Don't always assume that we are right all the time, because no one is perfect. To err is human.
After knowing our sins, would we should confess it or cover it up or even push the blame to someone else? It is easy to point out other people's mistakes but admitting our own mistakes require courage because we have to put aside our pride. So what do this benefit us? I feel that by admitting your own mistakes, will make you a more transparent and honest person. Your conscience would also be clear. By being accountable to our mistakes, we will then be able to repent.
Sometimes we are afraid of admitting our own mistakes because we care too much about how others will look at us. Will they look down on us? Will they feel that we don't have the ability to do certain things? This make us want to find a way to escape from admitting our mistakes. But we never know that people might respect us for the courage to own up our own mistakes. We always care too much about how people think about us that we eventually forget to be real. Eventually we start to wear a mask and live like an actor/actress.
I do respect and admire this kind of people. Maybe because I'm being brought up that way. I would rather hear the hurtful truth than to hear a beautiful lie. No worries, my heart is strong enough to take it. I would rather be honest to you than to lie to you because I hate to live in a lie. I want everything to be real, especially things that I deemed as important to me.
We also need to constantly retrospect on our past actions and thoughts. Do it everyday. When you realise you done something wrong, don't ignore it. Face it. CHANGE it. Everyone has the ability to make changes. It is just whether you want or not!
Search deep within ourselves despite there are things deep down that we are afraid to face. It may hurts. But it is definately worth the pain. You can have my word. Track down the source of your mistakes. The question you need to ask yourself is "Why did I done that? Why did I thought of doing that? Why do I have such thoughts in me?" We have to remove the seeds of sins!!
True repentance is about just about being regret over the wrongful deeds that we have committed. It is also about not committing the same wrongful deeds again! In other words, it is about changing for the better after knowing, admitting and retrospecting on your past wrongful deeds.
***
We may know all these things. But how many of us are willing to make an effort to do it? For me, I only stop at retrospecting on my past deeds and actions. Sometimes, I don't even bother to admit that I'm wrong because of my strong character.Please don't be like me, I don't like my character at times. 说好听是有性格，有骨气。说难听是太固执，太自私，有时候软硬都不吃。I must learn how to balance. I know the about my bad habits and dark side, yet I didn't put in an effort to change. Why? Because I'm so used to it that I can't adapt to the change.
For some people, they need to be mentally ready in order to accept changes. Let me quote an example. When I was young, my mum always want me to live like how she want me to be. She want me to stay at home, don't keep hanging out with friends, don't make myself too busy because of music. But everything she want me to be, I can't be. I was not ready to change. Until I had my fun and had experience what I needed to, I started to change unknowingly. I change to be how she want me to be. How irony.
But it makes me realise something.
Sometimes, you just need the experience and gradually you will realise what you truely want. You have to wait for the right time to arrive and you will feel the sparks to change.
Sometimes, you just want to go against the flow and experience life.
Wednesday, March 07, 2012
It is stupid to give all of yourself away. You should reserve a major part and just give a tiny little bit away. The more you give, the more hurtful it is. Isn't that what you taught me to be? A hard lesson. But a good lesson.
Only until the right person appear, then I will give more than a tiny bit of myself away. But I don't think someone like me will be lucky to meet the right person. I mean, not many people have blissful relationships right? And besides, I admit that I'm not easy to please.
If I can't have it, then I would rather keep to myself and do meaningful things. If there is no future, why bother waste time falling in love or even tyring out? To me, it is a stupid decision in a long term way.
Come on man, bgr is not everything. There are more important things than that.
Be smart. And enjoy the freedom. =)
Thursday, March 01, 2012
I've been getting along well with my mum for about 2 months. I've proven to myself that if I try hard enough, I can do it. I can let go of what happened. I can forget it all. Let's maintain this kind of peace. I hope it will maintain..
Maybe we have reached a compromise. Maybe now I'm sick of having too much fun and choose to stay at home to do my own things and at the same time accompany her that's why she feel please with me. Having too much fun (keep going out and coming back at midnight) had been one of the main reasons why she want to quarrel with me. I think she feel that I neglected her back then. She also need a friend to talk to and I happened to be the one who will entertain her. She don't have much common topic to dad and my bro. Actually, we don't have much common topic too, it is just that I will listen to what she say and respond.
I realise I've changed. I used to run away from home to search for freedom but in the end when I came back home, I felt that I lost that freedom. But now I realise that I could have the kind of freedom I want (which is have my own space to do my own things with minimum of interruption) too even when I'm staying at home. I now learn to respect her and will let her involve in my decision making. Another main reason why we quarrelled because I used to be independent in making decision, not because I don't respect her, it was because I want her to stop forcing my to live the kind of life she want to me to live. Back then I still cannot accept her point of views, I was young and I want to play.
Who doesn't play when they were young? But when you start to grow older, you will gradually stopped playing. Like me now. Honestly speaking, I don't regret for not listening to her, for rebelling against her, for fighting for freedom and for not behaving like a obedient child, because back then in that kind of circumstances, if I don't do all the above things, I would really have no life! I would even regret for not doing so.
It is different now. I know what I want kind of life I want now. I've stopped going out to have fun lately. I've been a caveman for almost 2 months. Other than going to sch, religious class and a few impt dates with friends, I will stay at home. I've stopped behaving like a wild child. I began to feel that having so much fun is getting meaningless to me and the last thing I want is to live a meaningless life.
I realise there are more important things to do other than having fun. Eg, my religious stuff. I have to do what I need to do. Of course, I will still have adequate fun, just that it will not be as crazy as before.
I've been quite actively involved in religious stuff. Let me share my feelings. I feel real and not fake. I feel that it is meaningful. Compared to going out shopping with friends, I feel that doing this is much much much much more meaningful . It provides nutrients for my soul. It helps to clean my conscience. I learn something new each time I get involve. I'm not tired or sick of it. So I will continue to do it.
Overall, I'm pleased with the change. Really. ^^
***
Oh another good news. I finally is able to face music again. The feeling (desire) of wanting to play music is back. I know I'm not good enough, but I don't care. I don't care what others think anymore. How others think shouldn't be stopping me from playing music. Since when I start to be bothered? Maybe music has an important position in my heart that's why I get so affected.
Music is suppose to touch others' heart and make people happy. Who cares if you are lousy or not. Even if you are lousy, your music could also touch others' heart or make people happy. I just wanna enjoy playing music. Be happy when playing music. Bring the joy and the inspiration to others. I believe you can do it too even when you are not pro.
Really, why bother so much? Because of pride. I know. My damn pride. The stupidest thing that I ever had. The obstacle that makes want to people give up.
No. It should not be this way. Music is such a beautiful thing. I want to keep it pure and innocent. Don't let all these unnecessary emotions to dirty it.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
I really don't have much patience.
It's been quite some time since I lost my temper like this.
And 只有一个人会傻傻 entertain 我。 那个人就是老爸。
当别人看到我生气都自动的闪到一边去，只有他会好声好气的跟我讲道理。
老爸真的很傻，但却又让我感动。
***
Everything happens for a reason.
I think I can understand why that happened. I thank God for letting it turned out that way.
It is the best for me. For someone who hates to be controlled, who love freedom and need my own space, I think I will feel that my life has been destroyed if that didn't happen. Lucky for us.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
The anger and hatred in usfill our hearts with tinder.
With the slightest spark,a fire will burn wildly in our hearts.
When something displeases us,we unleash our anger on people.
Blinded by our anger,we are full of ignorance and wrong thinking,and we burn down all our meritsand all the good that we have done.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Results out. I passed all the 4 papers. Though I don't think my results are good, but thank God I survive through. Thank God for answering my prayers.
***
I think I have had enough fun. I began to feel tired about just having fun. I know life is not all about having fun, there are many meaningful things that we can do.
Somehow the feeling is getting stronger. Whenever I start to have fun (too much fun), I actually feel out of place, like it is not what I suppose to do. WEIRD. Am I becoming more mature or growing to be a less fun loving person? Why I get tired of having fun??
But this year, religious stuff will come first no matter what.
***
Upon seeing my honey finally attached, I really feel happy for her. =) She is like me in a way that we love freedom too much, we like to be carefree and don't like to be tied down by anything (especially relationship coz it is so troublesome). I'm actually surprised to know she is attached and I found out when I met her coincidentally with her bf at my house downstairs. LOL.
Amazing. I don't know how this guy manage to convince her coz I know she is not interested in relationship. I hope this guy is the right one.
Waiting for her to update me more!! :)
Friday, February 10, 2012
As 13/2/2012 (the day my results will release) is getting near, my fear is increasing.
I've never let myself fail any paper in Poly despite how much I dislike what I studying (LAW).
13/2/2012 please be a good day for me, please don't make me cry.
Wednesday, February 01, 2012
是上帝派你们来告诉我不必这么早放弃吗？
我还有多少时间可以继续？
Sunday, January 22, 2012
"人若无远虑，必有近忧。 "
So true.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
忘记失去的，珍惜拥有的。
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
A friend told me that she told her mum she will not bring her boyfriend to meet her grandparents during Chinese New Year. Her mum asked why and she said she may not want to marry her boyfriend. When she told me this, I was quite shock because I know that she really love her boyfriend a lot and they dated for years already. I asked why she wouldn't marry him.
She said because of his character. Apparently his temper is not very good and will vent it on her when he is in a bad mood. He seems to care about himself first.
***
Not many people can love others more than they love themselves. Correct me if I am wrong. I just feel that there are many selfish people. Or I met many selfish people (including myself).
I understand the feeling of loving myself more than others because I am like that too. This is unfortunately one of the big problems in relationship.
We, being the selfish kings and queens always demand others to give in to us, to dote us and to put us in the first place. But honestly speaking, isn't that too selfish when we couldn't do the same and yet we expect for it?
I can understand why my friend would feel that way, because when she talked to me about it last time, I already predicted that this would happen sooner or later. She realise that she will suffer when she marry who he is now. Will her love be great enough to accept his flaws or will the boyfriend love her so much that he is going to change? Or will they choose to love themselves more? It is really very hard to say who is right and who is wrong. But if the boyfriend know how to cherish her in the first place, she wouldn't have come to this dilemma.
***
My conclution is relationship is so irritating. Love is not the only important thing in relationship, character is one of the important factors that couldn't be ignored.
If there is love, but the character of that person cannot make it, I would leave him.
If both exist, I will marry him.
Monday, January 02, 2012
Heard that Japan suffered another earthquake on the first day of 2012.
And now another part of thailand got flood again.
The economy this year is going to decline.
***
You must be wondering why I start to care about all these things. I just feel that I shouldn't live in my own world anymore. I should start to show more care and concern to my surroundings.
I don't want to be a selfish person that only cares about myself anymore.
Widen your heart and learn to love not only those who treats you well, but also those who once hurt you.
***
Dear God, please give me more time.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
A new year will arrive in a few minutes.
Time really don't wait for anyone, once you missed it, you will lose it forever.
Below shall be my new year resolution!~
1. Don't do things that make myself regret
2. A good change in myself
3. Get along well with my family
4. Spread the love
5. Be happy!
6. Be healthy!
7. Pass all my exams!
Ok. This shall be it. I shall not be too greedy.
***
Since it will be a new start, I changed my blog playlist. It could be found right at the bottom, you just got to scroll all the way down and you will find it.
My music playlist consist some Mayday's songs that I really like and Dvorak's pieces. Dvorak is now one of my favourite composer. But it is such a pity that he doesn't have many composition like Bach and Bhrams.
I hope you will like my playlist. :)
***
Many believe that the disaster at the end of 2012 will eventually come. I don't know. But if this is really the last year, should we live our best? No more regrets, no more misunderstandings.
It's time to amend things that you didn't try to do so.
It is time to CHANGE.
And then inspire the people around you.
***
To my family.
我真的很感谢你们对我付出的爱与包容。
也很对不起，我是个 trouble maker.
***
To my friends.
Thank you for being there for me, always cheering me on.
All of you make a difference in my life.
I'm glad that we can be friends.
***
To him.
Although I don't love you in that way anymore, you're always a special person to me. You're the first person that inspire me to change myself, to be better. How could I ever forget you? Somethings don't need to be written out directly, you know it is you right?
If you are wondering if this is for you, then don't need to wonder, coz it is for you.
I hereby sincerely wish the best for you.
Whatever you do, wherever you go, please remember to be happy.
I'm certain that if you learn to open up yourself, you will set yourself free.
Everything have a solution, you need to go and search for it.
***
And then to my readers! (I know there's only very little of you)
Thank you for reading my blog.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!! :)
Monday, December 26, 2011
Certain things are just not within our control, so I learn to let go and let it be. But those things that we could hold on to, we often let it go.
So irony.
***
Sometimes we just don't know what we truely want.
Or we are not honest enough with ourselves?
Sunday, December 18, 2011
The war between me and my mum seems to stop even before my exams. Earlier than what I expected. It is a good thing.
I prayed to God that I really want to get along well with my family, try to clear up misunderstandings (at least bother to explain instead of keeping quiet) and try to be more honest and open to my family (although is quite hard because my parents are quite traditional and abit inflexible, they may not accept certain things).
I need to have more self control, to control my 大小姐脾气。
At least try to do it, put in some effort and don't give up so easily.
No matter what, I still love my family.
我比他们想象中还爱他们，只是他们不知道。
*~*
Having a war with someone is very exhausting. Instead of holding on, why not try to let it go? Sometimes what we hold on to may not lead to a good outcome.
So I questioned myself whether it is worth it to rebel against my parents at their certain way of doing things? I may be right, but yet I created tension between us and all parties felt unhappy.
So, what is the best solution?
Thursday, December 08, 2011
My character is too strong sometimes. I really try to tone down and try to be gentle.
I realise it is NOT easy to be gentle.
Hahahaha. Really!!!!
Wednesday, December 07, 2011
Very sad that I didn't do very well for my first paper. I tried my best. I didn't expect it to have so many theory questions. Dear God, pls let me pass the paper. As long as I pass and no need to retake it, I would be very happy already.
At least I know what mistakes I made in that paper, better than not knowing why I didn't do well.
My curiousity apply to many other things too. I mean, it is always important to find out why you fail so that you don't make the same mistakes again right?
I don't want to be someone who avoids thinking, running away from it, and never know what went wrong. This leads to a cycle of failure. I'll face it again and again until I change, isn't that so?
***
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Yes music is indeed the antidote towards my stress for exams.
Yesterday went for PA ochestra practice and cello section was scolded by the conductor because we kept getting the rythm wrongly. The cello section only consist of me and another army guy, both of us haven't been playing cello for quite some time. And yesterday was the first time we played that particular song with some cello solo.
I think I'm too dependent on music. I should learn to count the rhythm instead of depending on listening to others. Haha. I always listen to others play and follow. That's lazy I would say and no confident.
I guess I need this kind of motivation sometimes. Not a bad thing though.
***
I really admire your courage to pursue music.
It is something I can't do it now.
But I promised myself I would have proper lesson and take grades for piano and cello when I'm able to provide for myself.
Because I know I'll not get the support from my parents, so I'll have to do it on my own.
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Begining to feel the stress for my coming exam.
Will music be a good antidote to my stress?
***
It doesn't feel right anymore. It is becoming more and more uncomfortable.
Let me disappear for a while.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
最怕突然听到你的消息。
因为我还会有一点心痛。
但是如果有一天让我听到你的消息，我希望我可以知道你过得很幸福。
***
那么疯那么热烈的曾经，为何我们还是要奔向各自的幸福和遗憾中老去。
我后来才明白，我们都没有勇气去爱彼此。
我没有勇气去爱这样的你，因为我不能忍受一个见一个爱一个的人。
你也没有勇气去爱这样的我，因为我不是那个会乖乖听你的话的女孩。
所以最后，我们最爱的还是自己。
Monday, November 14, 2011
Life is not about being 'NUMBER ONE', there is definitely more to it.
***
我告诉自己不要刻意的去追求。让一切自然的发生。
***
I'm trying to master the art of ignorance.
There are things that I really want to ignore. Things that I don't used to stand, things that is not morally right to me.
But at the same time, I'm trying to accept it.
I cannot control a person's thoughts and actions.
I should just focus on controlling mine.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
生病的时候吃妈妈煮的面线汤，最温暖。
***
I don't know how long since I last eaten my mum's mee sua.
She cooked for me 2 days ago when I've ulcer on my tongue.
The ulcer is so painful that I couldn't speak or eat.
The only food that taste delicious to me was the mee sua that my mum cooked specially for me.
这种感觉超幸福的。
感觉好久没有感受到这样的幸福了。
Thursday, November 10, 2011
I already taught you so many times, and everytime you asked the same question, I lost my patience.
I wish I could be more patient.
突然间看清了许多事。
那些不想接受的，想要逃避的事，始终要学习去接受。
这样也好。早点让我看透，早点让我恍然大悟。
我可以对谁诚实的做自己？我只能对谁捧场做戏？ 答案心理有数了。
只是这次不要排除那些我只能捧场做戏的人。
懂得仔细的分析对于错，是件好事，但是往往会让我变得很没有度量。
要有一点包容，要酷一点。
不能因为他们没有真心对待我，我就不真心对待他们。 这样是自私的想法。
我学会了有时候捧场做戏并不代表你虚伪，而是因为你不想让别人没有面子，你还是希望有一天事情会有改进的空间。
所以要有礼貌的去配合，至少这样心理也不会愧疚，而别人也可以好过一点。
捧场做戏是一种对别人的礼貌。
***
Sunday, November 06, 2011
我一直在想那些我坚持的事，都值得坚持吗？
***
The war between my mum and me has began. Not that I want it. But since she indirectly delcared it, then there is no reason to not fight for my own point of views. I really tried to compromise. If she want me to accomodate, sorry I couldn't do it. I'm not that kind of girl who will obey all your rules and live like your pet. Don't break my wings when I'm learning to fly.
But I really don't want to give in because I know once I give in, she will think that she is right and the probelm will still not be solved. It is not that I think I'm right, I do make mistakes too. But the problem will not be solved if I am the only one realising my mistakes. It will only be solved if she realised it too. I believe it would really end our misery.
I don't feel good too and at times I really questioned myself whether it is worth the fight, but I really couldn't take it anymore. I really couldn't live like that, I realise we are not happy at all, not only me but she too. So what's the point if both of us are not happy? What's the point of being together when we feel happier to have distance with each other? I've always been keeping a distance away, because i know if I don't do so, I would get hurt very badly and the reason for the distance is her. For so many years, it is still the same. Nothing has changed. Whenever I want to step abit closer, I would regret it the next moment.
I just want her to realise it. Is it wrong to do so?
***
一切开始变了。我知道我需要更勇敢，对自己要有多一点信心。这一次绝对不可以轻易的妥协。
Friday, November 04, 2011
It is not the action that hurts most, it is the intention behind the action.
***
Yesterday I talked to me primary school best friend. We felt happy to chat again. I think she changed and what she told me was quite inspiring. We recalled about our old school days and it was so funny to think about the things we quarrelled about. Hahah she used to scold me for being straightforward and too honest, yet she liked it at the same time coz she know, I will tell her the truth and only the truth.
Lastly, what left a great impression was that she told me "sometimes we have to let go of our pride to in order hold on to the person we care about the most." I think it is so true, but no many can do it.
Can you? Can I?
Tuesday, November 01, 2011
Loneliness is the side effect of being free for too long.
My friends kept nagging me to go get a boyfriend.
Partially because they've been hearing stories about the same person (whom I would never end up with or allow myself to be) for years.
One of them even want to match make me with her boyfriend's army friend who happens to be a vegetarian too, who happen to see a picture of me and my friend and who happen to say that I'm pretty (I think his eye got problem), and who happen to be able to accept that I'm quiet, stubborn and abit blur at times.
At first, I really wasn't quite interested.
Until... I told myself that I maybe I could make an effort to create a change in my life. I need to meet someone who doesn't behave like a jerk, who reminds me nothing of you, who motivates me, who is faithful, who would just pull me away and make me run with him leading me to the right direction. Why do I make this person sounds like God? HAHA. I hope he is an angel that could save my soul and maybe I could do the same for him.
But what if after having what I got, I want back my freedom? Afterall, I still love freedom very much and I'm not the kind of girl who will obey your all your rules, do everything you want me to do.
Could he be able to change me?
I very curious if such a person exist in this world.
***
A good guy once told me that what I need is someone who could understand me.
I didn't quite understand back then, until now.
I think he is right.
Being in love, is also about being yourself. This kind of love could last forever, isn't it?
Friday, October 28, 2011
The time has come.
I need a change in order to solve many things.
And I feel that God is trying to tell me this is another turning point for me.
Whether I will succeed or not, it depends on me.
Change is necessary and is essential now.
I'm glad that it happen to me again.
***
I've finally fixed all the puzzles together and got the clear answer I always wanted to know. Though I would really appreciate if you would be more straightforward back then. You should've been more honest to yourself and to me. You really don't need to be too nice to me. You really shouldn't.
Why couldn't you do it back then when you are doing it now?
But it doesn't matter now. All I know is I still wish you happiness. I really don't hate you.
Now I can finally move on without looking back, without having doubts about the past and the present and without feeling afraid that I would miss out a chance to find out whether I still mean something to you.
I have to go. But if you ever need me as a friend, I'm still willing to lend a helping hand.
I've never truely love a person, until I met you. Thanks for teaching me what love is. You made me realised what I need and what I want.
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